<![CDATA[Carolyn M. Riker, MA, LMHC, LLC

<![CDATA[Carolyn M. Riker, MA, LMHC, LLC - Essays]]>Sat, 25 Apr 2026 03:19:27 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Burnout & Personal Boundaries]]>Wed, 13 Oct 2021 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.carolynriker.com/essays/healthy-personal-boundaries

Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

Sometimes our days get so hectic, and we forget to slow down enough to take care of ourselves. We erase our personal boundaries and believe if we just give more, all will be okay. But this mindset can lead to burnout.

Anne Helen Petersen, author of Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation, writes:

“…the burnout condition is more than just addiction to work. It’s an alienation from the self and from desire. If you subtract your ability to work, who are you? Is there a self left to excavate?

We aren’t infinite creatures of energy. We need to have limits so we can refill. Which led me to think about personal boundaries. Then I asked myself these four questions:

What stirs my imagination, and what depletes it?
Where’s the passion in what I do?
How do I reset myself?
Why is it so hard to slow down and take longer breaks?

I turned this into a journal writing exercise to see where my inner wisdom would lead me.

#1. What stirs my imagination?

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. Without imagination, there can be no creation.”– Pearl S. Buck

Long walks help me to get out of my head and to notice the signs of Nature. I love to daydream and follow the trails of thought bubbles. Often that leads me down a creative path of prose or poetry.

Mental note: factor in more walks throughout my week.

#2. What brings me passion?

“A well-composed book is a magic carpet on which we are wafted to a world that we cannot enter in any other way.” ― Caroline Gordon

Poetry, writing, and music are necessary. I also love to learn and read. I enjoy taking a topic and discovering ways to understand it. I’m so excited when I take a new course and study. When I’m too busy, I stop doing this. Then I noticed how tired I am. I’ve lost the zeal and vitality of living.

Mental note: I need to carve out time to write. What book(s) would I like to read next? What courses would I want to take and when?

#3. How do I reset myself?

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” ― bell hooks

I reset myself with stillness and quietness. I take semi-naps, meaning I don’t often fall asleep, but I rest my eyes. This self-care action helps me to reset. In the evenings, I find reading, watching a movie or a show are nurturing. I’m delighted with my alone time and need it. Being too social drains me.

Mental note: alone time and quietness are essential to regain emotional regulation and more apparent heart space.

#4. Why is it hard to slow down and take breaks?

“Is there a place you can go to break away for a little while? If you haven’t yet built your treehouse, it’s never too late to start.” ― Gina Greenlee

I am an overachiever and a perfectionist, so slowing down is hard for me. However, when I do take a long weekend off, I’m more refreshed and creative.

Mental note: Schedule regular breaks throughout each month from now until the end of this year. Keep a note at the top of each week to not overschedule.

After completing this writing exercise, I felt calmer and more in control of my own space. Personal boundaries are essential to keep secure and to remind us to preserve these pockets of respite. The amount of energy we give out needs to be restored to avoid burnout. This knowledge is an ongoing process that I intend to keep revisiting and follow my needs.

Article originally published on Medium.

]]><![CDATA[What's Your Normal?]]>Wed, 15 Sep 2021 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.carolynriker.com/essays/redefining-your-boundaries

Photo by Aiony Haust on Unsplash

One afternoon, on a late walk, these words came to me: “The more we try to walk into the light, the bigger our shadow grows.”

Then I thought, we can’t be real if we only share what’s going well. What if we shared a little more of what’s going wrong to normalize how we aren’t perfect but beautifully real?

It is hard to be ourselves. We are told not to feel too much and to toughen up. “Don’t take it personally” is another adage flavored with condescension and minimizing one’s sensitivity.

What if you do take it personally and feel hurt? I know, at times, I do, and it really aches to be dismissed.

Are we supposed to tuck more proverbial nonsense under an already bulging rug? I think not, and yet, sometimes, we’ve become too conditioned and pretend we are okay.

But what if we aren’t okay. What if we are tired, annoyed, and irritable? What if we don’t always want to be nice and polite? What if we have an opinion different from the majority? What if we think and feel in layers, so we simply need more time alone?

I feel our sensitivity and differences are a gift. And that means we are intelligent creatures who choose to set personal boundaries. By doing so, we respect and appreciate our needs.

Nevertheless, it’s not always safe to share our deepest troubles, shame, and fears. Why? Because there’s a false ceiling, a status quo where we are taught to be 98.9% positive and perfect.

We are taught to hide the arguments, worries, anguish, and troubling thoughts. So, we leave them behind closed doors. We’ve been taught to show others how we are amazingly copacetic. We learn to ignore our anger, jealousy, sadness, and regrets and stuff them back into the closet.

Some of us are even too self-conscious to celebrate our achievements because we worry we are bragging! That’s so sad.

Yet, sometimes, we let our guard down and share. But we quickly notice the need to reverse and lighten the conversation because it’s shifted to judgment. We feel their tone of voice has dropped and flattened, their eye roll is an exclamation mark, and/or their anger shuts us down.

Too much hurt can be too loud.

Today, however, I’m sharing my thoughts. And I imagine when I take my walks, I’m spilling seeds of trees, and there’s a forest growing, letting my shadow side know — it’s okay to be me.

Let’s make normal less than perfect. Let’s make normal multifaceted and real. Let’s redefine the boundaries allowing us to be who we indeed are. This is my new normal. Will you join me?

“I am not strange. I am just not normal.” — Salvador Dalí

Article originally published on Medium.

]]><![CDATA[Let Go of People Who are Not Prepared to Love You]]>Mon, 02 Aug 2021 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.carolynriker.com/essays/let-go-of-people-who-are-not-prepared-to-love-you

Photo by S. Hermann & F. Richter via pixaby

“Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life, and it will also be the most important thing. — Anthony Hopkins

We know, not everyone will love us, and sometimes, those who say they do really don’t! What a mixed signal! With the latter, we sense an undercurrent of contrary feelings. We notice something is off but can’t quite put our finger on it. Yet we feel the mixed signal, deep, deep, deep down in our gut.

One of the most challenging life lessons is to stop trying to gain any sort of close relationship with a person who doesn’t accept us as we are. Of course, we aren’t perfect, and that is the crux of being human. Our imperfect quirks are our beauty and intelligence.

Here’s a way to help us let go of people who are not prepared to love us is to watch out for mixed signals.

“In the context of relationships, mixed signals are when a person is expressing interest in someone while also simultaneously expressing a lack of interest or a desire to keep their distance, causing confusion for the other person.” — Abby Moore, Assistant Managing Editor at Mind Body Green.

In the book Dreambody: The Body’s Role in Healing Itself, Dr. Arnold Mindell, refers to a mixed signal as a double signal which he shares is the authentic voice of what a person is often unconsciously communicating. Mindell believes that the double signal is the actual messenger.

For instance, have you ever seen someone smile while they give sad news? Or a person gives you a compliment, but both hands are in a fist! A friend tells you they are proud of you for getting a promotion while their voice is sharp, and they have a clenched jaw.

Listen to your gut instinct -- this doesn’t feel right and notice the double signals. This will help you to see what is really going on, because we begin to trust our intuition. We learn to understand some close relationships are simply unhealthy.

Period. Full stop. Let’s shake off those bad vibes and disconnect.

Your intuition is like a tuning fork. Relationships that resonate with us fills us. Listen carefully and learn to follow it. In my next article, I’ll write about a second way to let go of people who aren’t good for us by creating personal boundaries.

article originally published on Medium.

]]><![CDATA[Teaching Ourselves the Art of Joy]]>Sun, 18 Jul 2021 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.carolynriker.com/essays/teaching-ourselves-the-art-of-joy

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash

It is easier for some of us to get caught up in worrying, overthinking and overprocessing.

When I’m exceptionally tired, this state of mind influences and amplifies nearly every nuance; from the minute the sun taps the sky, with its colors, until nighttime deepens the queries.

Dr. Elain Aron, researcher, and psychologist for highly sensitive people (HSPs), refers to this as D.O.E.S.

D: Depth of processing. Highly sensitive people, go deep and do so naturally with everything.

O: Overstimulation. Too much of a good or not-so-good situation can really create havoc on sensitive souls.

E: Emotional reactivity and empathy. We feel others' emotions as well as our own. Therefore, we need daily doses of extra quiet.

S: Sensing the subtle. Sensitive people live inside the sensing world of the subtle. Every flicker, undertone, overreaction, every critical, or not critical word, (said or unsaid) is felt. Nature is part of our being.

What helps me to navigate this state of sensitivity?

What I have found helpful is to write my Morning Pages. I have a great appreciation for my Morning Pages, and that gratitude goes to Julia Cameron, for her book The Artist Way. Cameron insightfully shows and teaches the reasons for writing Morning Pages. My journals hold tender revealing moments which free me to write more creatively.

Ask yourself: In this very minute, what are you grateful for?

Here's a few examples from my journal:

I am grateful for the spaciousness of being single.

I am grateful when alone isn’t lonely.

I am grateful for how life is a gift to be able to do as I please.

What I've noticed the most is this: I’m teaching myself to notice joy.

Lessons learned.

I’m starting to understand I don’t need to be a certain way to fit in. There’s no requirement to be thinner, wiser, busier, quicker. I don’t have to be bolder, louder, and more successful.

Why? Because I no longer need or want to fit into a particular persona or image.

As if Maya Angelou joined me that evening, her words reinforced my sensitive soul:

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it.” ~ Maya Angelou

I am letting my heart be my lead. She is my partner with all her sides — from the not-so-perfect to the immensely subtle, sensitive, and sensual.

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?” ~ Maya Angelou

Please know, you and I are completely, undeniably, epically beautiful.
Just as we are. Isn’t that incredible?

Let’s shower ourselves with love, which leads to self-acceptance. Let’s teach this to each other and embrace our differences. Let’s start now.

Originally published on Being Known: I'm Teaching Myself to Notice Joy: A short exposé on the beauty of self-acceptance and joy

]]><![CDATA[The Sweet Gifts of Synchronicity]]>Sun, 27 Jun 2021 07:00:00 GMThttps://www.carolynriker.com/essays/the-sweet-gifts-of-synchronicityWhat an emotional and busy month it has been. I feel like I’ve been inside of a blender and set to puree. My natural introverted self enjoys a much quieter and slower pace. Nevertheless, with the help of a timely, synchronistic quote, I am feeling much better.

Before I share the quote, here’s a little history about synchronicity and some examples.

Synchronicity in a nutshell

Carl Jung was a psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, also known as Jungian psychology.

“Jung believed that many occurrences labeled as “coincidences,” are not actually due to chance and serve to provide powerful insight, direction and guidance.” — Arts of Thought

Carl Jung was often sharing moments of synchronicity. A classic story of Jung describes a highly educated female patient who was stuck in her rational thinking. However, she dreamt of an expensive piece of jewelry, a golden scarab. Later, while in a session with Jung, and after sharing her dream, Jung noticed something tapping at the window. He gets up to see what it is, and low and behold, there’s a rare golden scarab beetle. Presenting this beetle to his patient was a synchronistic moment that was utterly mind-blowing to Jung’s patient.

Our own synchronistic moments are equally as important because they are reassuring. For instance, the other day, I wrote a Facebook post about needing to dive into my rabbit hole and burrow. I really needed a few days offline. That very night I dreamt of discovering multiple rabbit burrows filled with baby bunnies!

Nevertheless, back to the quote that came to my attention, it felt so tailored to my needs, I still get chill bumps.

I was scrolling my newsfeed, doing what I do best — procrastinating and getting further into a tizzy, when I stopped and read these words several times. It was more than coincidental. This is yet another example of the magic of synchronicity.

“Get into the habit of asking yourself honestly, “Does this support the life I am trying to create?” If not, release it.” –Sylvester McNutt III

I was so stunned by the wisdom in these words that I shared it on my writer’s page and then promptly printed it out and taped it to my office wall.

While the whole notion of letting it go sort of bothers me because it is a relatively new age philosophy, there’s some significant symbolism here.

I focused on the question with a slight twist.

Does this person or activity support who I am?

And if not, what do I plan to do about it? Especially with those people or obligations in my life that are draining me.

What happens to me is I lose my innate passion and creativity. I feel defeated, when in fact, what would be best for me is to cut ties with the source of toxic energy.

I know this might seem obvious, but wow, it wasn’t for me especially, when in the thick of self-doubt and comparison.

How does synchronicity help us?

By trusting synchronistic moments, they will help you to tune into what is best for you. Personally, I felt empowered to trust my instincts, and that strengthened my boundaries.

Kind of spine tingly, right? I’m thoroughly impressed, and I’m smiling too.

Article originally published on Medium.

]]>