Relationships

​There’s healthy relationships and mean-spirited ones. (Plus a dozen variations in-between.) The first inspires and even challenges. It feeds the soul and enhances creativity. There’s a mutual respect. It also has tones of an exquisite openness. We see each other’s dreams and encourage the enrichments. Conflicts occur and yet there’s an ability to dance the dance to find a common ground.

​However mean-spirited relationships aren’t always straightforward. They can be hostile and confusing and inflicted with mixed messages: a compliment with a knife twisting jab. Intentions are rarely clear and second guessing is prevalent. “Did they mean that or am I imagining it? Was that a compliment when they said? “I so wish I could dress in plain jeans and a tee, like you, and not worry about being stylish.” {{Ouch!!}}

​Feedback nestles into similar categories. Kind, direct and loving feedback can show or ferret out our deeper truths and insights. The flipside is the type of feedback that can paralyze.

For example, “I know more than you!” There’s a superior, elitist and condescending dominance. It’s a viral infection growing in a petri dish. Self-doubt brews and critical voices ferment. It can often stop one from going forward. Furthermore, hurtful feedback can erode inner tectonic plates of self-confidence. Words and actions can destroy. Being an extra sensitive person means  we have protect our self and take ownership of what works and what doesn’t.
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What we are doing is protecting and creating viable boundaries and that is probably the wisest thing we can do.
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​It’s easy to tell someone, “Get over it! Toughen up! Don’t take it personally!”

Those words may seem like great advice but there’s also a blaming quality. I might not be able to get over it or toughen up. I do taking things personally. It is a characteristic of being extra sensitive. I deeply feel how toxic a jealous spirit can be.

By monitoring our processes, we take ownership and establish crucial interpersonal boundaries. Less is more. Less social media on days when the darts are flying fiercely. Learning to take breaks in nature or write, nap and listen/play music. Being self-loving and removing our self especially when our vulnerability is high, is showing self-respect.

What we are doing is protecting and creating viable boundaries and that is probably the wisest thing we can do.
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About Carolyn Riker

Carolyn (Riker) Avalani, M.A., LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor, teacher, writer and poet. Over the last five years she has written for numerous online journals and has been in five anthologies. Her first book of poetry and prose,​ Blue Clouds was published December 2016. This past September, 2017 she co-edited Hidden Lights: A Collection of Truths Not Often Told, which holds 54 writers and their stories, poetry, prose, photography and artwork. Between sips of coffee, navigating life with copious writing and daydreaming, Carolyn offers creative writing and private counseling. To find out more please visit her website.

Insert image/​Photographer: Wilma Hurskainen