“If you are always trying to be normal,
you will never know
how amazing you can be.”
~ Maya Angelou
 Photo by Aiony Haust on Unsplash One afternoon, on a late walk, these words came to me: “The more we try to walk into the light, the bigger our shadow grows.”
Then I thought, we can’t be real if we only share what’s going well. What if we shared a little more of what’s going wrong to normalize how we aren’t perfect but beautifully real? It is hard to be ourselves. We are told not to feel too much and to toughen up. “Don’t take it personally” is another adage flavored with condescension and minimizing one’s sensitivity. What if you do take it personally and feel hurt? I know, at times, I do, and it really aches to be dismissed. Are we supposed to tuck more proverbial nonsense under an already bulging rug? I think not, and yet, sometimes, we’ve become too conditioned and pretend we are okay. But what if we aren’t okay. What if we are tired, annoyed, and irritable? What if we don’t always want to be nice and polite? What if we have an opinion different from the majority? What if we think and feel in layers, so we simply need more time alone? I feel our sensitivity and differences are a gift. And that means we are intelligent creatures who choose to set personal boundaries. By doing so, we respect and appreciate our needs.
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 Photo by S. Hermann & F. Richter via pixaby “Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life, and it will also be the most important thing. — Anthony Hopkins We know, not everyone will love us, and sometimes, those who say they do really don’t! What a mixed signal! With the latter, we sense an undercurrent of contrary feelings. We notice something is off but can’t quite put our finger on it. Yet we feel the mixed signal, deep, deep, deep down in our gut.
One of the most challenging life lessons is to stop trying to gain any sort of close relationship with a person who doesn’t accept us as we are. Of course, we aren’t perfect, and that is the crux of being human. Our imperfect quirks are our beauty and intelligence. Here’s a way to help us let go of people who are not prepared to love us is to watch out for mixed signals.  Photo by Arnel Hasanovic on Unsplash It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my website blog. So, I decided to curate 8 articles that I’ve recently written for Medium. The articles listed below are related to well-being, dreaming, emotional intimacy, relationships, and self-awareness. Each article has a short quote and then a link if you wish to read the rest. ~ With respect & love, Carolyn Over 18 Ways to Take Care of Your Soul and Support Others  Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash Researchers have found that being in isolation, while it keeps us safer from COVID-19, can lead to loneliness. Not surprisingly, loneliness has a number of risk factors such as: insomnia, depression, increased inflammation, and stress. Last year I made a list of things I wanted to do to help self-nurture during winter. But this year, I needed to extend my list of ideas because things feel out of my control and yet, I know it is helpful to reframe what is in my control. Link to article 7 Self-Loving Lessons I’ve Learned Since Being Single Photo by Rodolfo S Carvalho on Unsplash #3. Letting go of “Two shall become one” “Two shall become one” is misleading. A marriage is a partnership. I realized I don’t want to become one. I want to keep who I am as well as to grow together. For me, an intimate relationship needs to be nurturing, kind, soft, and thoughtful. And above all respectful. Of course, there will be disagreements and it won’t be easy, but I want to be with someone willing to work through the bumps and to be upfront with our respective needs. This is essential to make it work. Back then it never occurred to me that I could be with someone who will dream with me about us and each other. Now I know I want a partner who will share our ups and downs and truly express what is happening in their world, listen to mine, as well as us as a team. Link to article Your Nightdreams Are a Special Relationship Waiting to Meet You Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash When we look at our dreams, we might find suggestions to try something new. We also might find we need to strengthen our boundaries or ask for help. In addition, dreams can be influenced by our daily activities, movies we’ve watched, current and past relationships, longings, emotions suppressed, or not. Link to article 4 Truths I Learned About Myself and Intimate Relationships  Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash 2. Vulnerability is essential Vulnerability increases mutual trust. In any committed, intimate relationship vulnerability is important. Being able to put down our day-to-day persona and just be who we are — flaws and all, is incredibly intimate. 3. Work on yourself Figure out your issues. What triggers you? Notice your insecurities. This will help define who you are. What gives you pleasure? How would you prefer to spend a weekend? What are your dreams? How much alone time do you need or conversely how much time do you need to spend with friends and your partner? Link to article Self-Love is Loving All Sides of You  Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels For some of us, self-love doesn’t come naturally. We might not know what self-love looks like or how it feels. We might think self-love is a waste of time. We struggle to understand it because our role models were few or perhaps not at all. What I do know, learning to take care of ourselves is an act of self-love. To love ourselves is to love all sides. It also starts with listening to our needs. What is that inner voice feeling? How do we think? When do we need to say, no?! How much is too much? The art of self-love begins when we can share more freely and worry less about what others think. We trust the courage rising from within. This is our biggest friend. Link to article The Beauty of Aging and How it Teaches Us  Photo by BBH Singapore on Unsplash One of the best things we can do is to honor where we are at. There’s no need to power through when our soul is telling us to go slower. Aging is the beginning to honor ourselves. Link to article What Really Matters  Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash What matters is how we need to belong; that we are seen for who we are, not only for the pleasant sides but our grumpiness, worriedness, and anxiousness too, our self-consciousness. All our sides deserve to be accepted by at least one or two. What matters is how we treat each other; how we show consistency, love, caring, kindness, and respect. How we also set limits and create boundaries. When I say I’m tired, and I can’t give anymore, that really means I’m tired and can’t give anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that. Link to article Being Seen Has the Voice and Color of Raw Honey  Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash When I feel seen, believed, and understood, there’s a softness that comes over me. I relax and feel less awkward. Being seen isn’t cursory or fabricated. There is depth. You will notice their eyes, not only looking at you but with you. There’s a tender concern, joy, celebration, worry. I see you has the voice and color of raw honey. Vulnerability is the dressing of my soul. To understand the elements in I see you are like a shawl of empathy coupled with value for you, simply being you. And that grace and awareness are where the seeds of our intelligence, our genius, and our life’s path fully gain access to growing. Link to article  Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash Last weekend I was going through a particularly rough patch about love and relationships. I was asking myself, when will I be with someone special and have a deep, intimate relationship? That’s when I noticed a small book tucked on a shelf titled “How to Love” by the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. The first passage I read was off the charts spine tingly. "Everyone of us is seeking emotional intimacy. We want to have real communication, mutual understanding, and communion. We want to be in harmony with someone." Don’t you just love when the universe gives a supportive message?
It’s like a little high five from the universe. Yo! I’ve got your back. Here, read this. It’ll help. The synchronicity was bittersweet.  Photo by DIEGO SANCHEZ on Unsplash
Have you ever felt there are too many sides inside of you? Have you ever felt you don’t fit in and the requirements to be so-called normal are impossible? What if our imperfections are absolutely perfect? For instance, there’s the quiet side who speaks softly and there’s the vicious side that can inhale the sun and spew fire if need be. There’s the fearful side, likened to a fierce wild stray who sees others as the enemy. We might growl to keep someone away. As for me, one minute I can speak rose and turn the petals into magic but push me too hard and I will scratch you with my thorns. My creative side carries me in between here and there and sometimes, I can’t figure out how to return to zero. So, I stayed there. It’s usually a mystical space where candles burn upside down and clouds become the ground. I swim far and deep because I breathe better underwater than in the air. |
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