“If you are always trying to be normal,
you will never know
how amazing you can be.”
~ Maya Angelou
 Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash It is easier for some of us to get caught up in worrying, overthinking, and overprocessing (which I kindly abbreviated as W.O. O.).
When I’m exceptionally tired, my state of woo-ness influences and amplifies nearly every nuance from the minute the sun taps the sky, with its colors, until nighttime deepens the queries. Lately, my insomnia has been triggering my sensitive woo trilogy, into overdrive. Dr. Elain Aron, researcher, and psychologist for highly sensitive people (HSPs), refers to this as D.O.E.S. D: Depth of processing. Highly sensitive people, go deep and do so naturally with just about everything. O: Overstimulation. Too much of a good or not-so-good situation can really create havoc on sensitive souls. E: Emotional reactivity and empathy. We feel others' emotions as well as our own. Therefore, we need daily doses of extra quiet. S: Sensing the subtle. Sensitive people live inside the sensing world of the subtle. Every flicker, undertone, overreaction, every critical, or not critical word, (said or unsaid) is felt. Nature is part of our being.
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 Photo by Zoe on Unsplash We tend to repeat toxic relationships with partners, friends, coworkers, and the like because of the role models we received as a child. The more aware we become of those patterns, the less likely we will continue seeking and repeating them unconsciously. First, though, we need to bring our awareness to such negative relationships and what attracts us to them.
Over the decades, I have had several deeply committed, long-term relationships. However, after a lot of self-analysis, therapy, education, and support from friends and therapists, I learned how these partners had components of significant control and toxicity. I also began to understand that I gravitated towards such relationships because they were familiar to me. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder, when will I get the message? But, I do know, learning takes time and not to be too hard on myself. What an emotional and busy month it has been. I feel like I’ve been inside of a blender and set to puree. My natural introverted self enjoys a much quieter and slower pace. Nevertheless, with the help of a timely, synchronistic quote, I am feeling much better. Before I share the quote, here’s a little history about synchronicity and some examples. Synchronicity in a nutshell Carl Jung was a psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, also known as Jungian psychology. “Jung believed that many occurrences labeled as “coincidences,” are not actually due to chance and serve to provide powerful insight, direction and guidance.” — Arts of Thought Carl Jung was often sharing moments of synchronicity. A classic story of Jung describes a highly educated female patient who was stuck in her rational thinking. However, she dreamt of an expensive piece of jewelry, a golden scarab. Later, while in a session with Jung, and after sharing her dream, Jung noticed something tapping at the window. He gets up to see what it is, and low and behold, there’s a rare golden scarab beetle. Presenting this beetle to his patient was a synchronistic moment that was utterly mind-blowing to Jung’s patient. Our own synchronistic moments are equally as important because they are reassuring. For instance, the other day, I wrote a Facebook post about needing to dive into my rabbit hole and burrow. I really needed a few days offline. That very night I dreamt of discovering multiple rabbit burrows filled with baby bunnies! Nevertheless, back to the quote that came to my attention, it felt so tailored to my needs, I still get chill bumps. I was scrolling my newsfeed, doing what I do best -- procrastinating and getting further into a tizzy, when I stopped and read these words several times. It was more than coincidental. This is yet another example of the magic of synchronicity. “Get into the habit of asking yourself honestly, “Does this support the life I am trying to create?” If not, release it.” –Sylvester McNutt III  Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash “Taking care of myself doesn’t mean ‘me first.’ It means ‘me, too.” ― L.R. Knost Healing takes time, and so does learning how to give ourselves the self-care we need. Over the decades, my idea of self-care has transformed. For me, self-care includes respecting my personal boundaries. Self-care is multidimensional too.
The difficulty with self-care, especially as a female, is how society perpetuates and abuses women as the caretakers of just about everyone. We genuflect to this role as quickly as the sky holds the sun and moon. We feel it is almost a righteous passage to give and give until there’s nothing left to give. At least, this is my take and what I was taught.  Photo by Siddharth Bhogra on Unsplash When I’m triggered, it’s usually because I’m already exhausted and my boundaries are overstretched. And then BOOM — there’s a trigger! It can be almost anything like someone raised their voice at me, or I watched a movie with a disturbing scene, and then I spin out, over and under, and into a messy crash landing, wondering what just happened to me. Triggers provoke former traumatic or hurtful memories. Triggers can also be a warning sign to alert you when your boundaries feel crossed. According to PsychCentral, an online mental health publication: “Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. A combination of the senses is identified especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma.” Triggers are like a taproot into the center of traumatic memories. We store memories not only in our minds but also somatically. Therefore, our bodies will react. We might feel sweaty, can’t breathe, get a wicked headache, stomachache, or any number of physical symptoms. How can we cope?
When triggers happen, give yourself time to reorient, regroup, and reconnect. Calming yourself may take time because a trigger can send a person into a dissociative state. A dissociative state is where you may feel disoriented. Nothing feels real. You might also feel overly distraught, teary, angry, withdrawn, overwhelmed, paranoid, or panicked. Allow yourself space to regroup and to feel safe. |
AboutCarolyn Riker is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in private practice. She is also the author of three books. Her most recent book is "My Dear, Love Hasn't Forgotten You." Archives
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