“If you are always trying to be normal,
you will never know
how amazing you can be.”
~ Maya Angelou
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What an emotional and busy month it has been. I feel like I’ve been inside of a blender and set to puree. My natural introverted self enjoys a much quieter and slower pace. Nevertheless, with the help of a timely, synchronistic quote, I am feeling much better. Before I share the quote, here’s a little history about synchronicity and some examples. Synchronicity in a nutshell Carl Jung was a psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, also known as Jungian psychology. “Jung believed that many occurrences labeled as “coincidences,” are not actually due to chance and serve to provide powerful insight, direction and guidance.” — Arts of Thought Carl Jung was often sharing moments of synchronicity. A classic story of Jung describes a highly educated female patient who was stuck in her rational thinking. However, she dreamt of an expensive piece of jewelry, a golden scarab. Later, while in a session with Jung, and after sharing her dream, Jung noticed something tapping at the window. He gets up to see what it is, and low and behold, there’s a rare golden scarab beetle. Presenting this beetle to his patient was a synchronistic moment that was utterly mind-blowing to Jung’s patient. Our own synchronistic moments are equally as important because they are reassuring. For instance, the other day, I wrote a Facebook post about needing to dive into my rabbit hole and burrow. I really needed a few days offline. That very night I dreamt of discovering multiple rabbit burrows filled with baby bunnies! Nevertheless, back to the quote that came to my attention, it felt so tailored to my needs, I still get chill bumps. I was scrolling my newsfeed, doing what I do best -- procrastinating and getting further into a tizzy, when I stopped and read these words several times. It was more than coincidental. This is yet another example of the magic of synchronicity. “Get into the habit of asking yourself honestly, “Does this support the life I am trying to create?” If not, release it.” –Sylvester McNutt III
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 Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash “Taking care of myself doesn’t mean ‘me first.’ It means ‘me, too.” ― L.R. Knost Healing takes time, and so does learning how to give ourselves the self-care we need. Over the decades, my idea of self-care has transformed. For me, self-care includes respecting my personal boundaries. Self-care is multidimensional too.
The difficulty with self-care, especially as a female, is how society perpetuates and abuses women as the caretakers of just about everyone. We genuflect to this role as quickly as the sky holds the sun and moon. We feel it is almost a righteous passage to give and give until there’s nothing left to give. At least, this is my take and what I was taught.  Photo by Siddharth Bhogra on Unsplash When I’m triggered, it’s usually because I’m already exhausted and my boundaries are overstretched. And then BOOM — there’s a trigger! It can be almost anything like someone raised their voice at me, or I watched a movie with a disturbing scene, and then I spin out, over and under, and into a messy crash landing, wondering what just happened to me. Triggers provoke former traumatic or hurtful memories. Triggers can also be a warning sign to alert you when your boundaries feel crossed. According to PsychCentral, an online mental health publication: “Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. A combination of the senses is identified especially in situations that strongly resemble the original trauma.” Triggers are like a taproot into the center of traumatic memories. We store memories not only in our minds but also somatically. Therefore, our bodies will react. We might feel sweaty, can’t breathe, get a wicked headache, stomachache, or any number of physical symptoms. How can we cope?
When triggers happen, give yourself time to reorient, regroup, and reconnect. Calming yourself may take time because a trigger can send a person into a dissociative state. A dissociative state is where you may feel disoriented. Nothing feels real. You might also feel overly distraught, teary, angry, withdrawn, overwhelmed, paranoid, or panicked. Allow yourself space to regroup and to feel safe.  Photo by Maria Lupan on Unsplash Lately, I’ve been swamped and feeling the stress. First thing, each morning, I usually write in my journal. For weeks now, I start with, I’m tired. And then stare out my kitchen window. I manage to get a few more words out.
The rest of my thoughts feel paralyzed and static. I’m baked, fried, roasted. Just roll me down a hill and let me stay there — preferably a hill that leads to a quiet beach and a cove insulated from any demands. For months now, there’s been a steady inner voice telling me to do more. For transparency’s sake, I am the CEO of my private counseling practice, as well as a single mom, poet, cook, bookkeeper, and administrator of everything. Sometimes, it gets to be too much, and I forget to take care of myself.  Photo by Arnel Hasanovic on Unsplash It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my website blog. So, I decided to curate 8 articles that I’ve recently written for Medium. The articles listed below are related to well-being, dreaming, emotional intimacy, relationships, and self-awareness. Each article has a short quote and then a link if you wish to read the rest. ~ With respect & love, Carolyn Over 18 Ways to Take Care of Your Soul and Support Others  Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash Researchers have found that being in isolation, while it keeps us safer from COVID-19, can lead to loneliness. Not surprisingly, loneliness has a number of risk factors such as: insomnia, depression, increased inflammation, and stress. Last year I made a list of things I wanted to do to help self-nurture during winter. But this year, I needed to extend my list of ideas because things feel out of my control and yet, I know it is helpful to reframe what is in my control. Link to article 7 Self-Loving Lessons I’ve Learned Since Being Single Photo by Rodolfo S Carvalho on Unsplash #3. Letting go of “Two shall become one” “Two shall become one” is misleading. A marriage is a partnership. I realized I don’t want to become one. I want to keep who I am as well as to grow together. For me, an intimate relationship needs to be nurturing, kind, soft, and thoughtful. And above all respectful. Of course, there will be disagreements and it won’t be easy, but I want to be with someone willing to work through the bumps and to be upfront with our respective needs. This is essential to make it work. Back then it never occurred to me that I could be with someone who will dream with me about us and each other. Now I know I want a partner who will share our ups and downs and truly express what is happening in their world, listen to mine, as well as us as a team. Link to article Your Nightdreams Are a Special Relationship Waiting to Meet You Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash When we look at our dreams, we might find suggestions to try something new. We also might find we need to strengthen our boundaries or ask for help. In addition, dreams can be influenced by our daily activities, movies we’ve watched, current and past relationships, longings, emotions suppressed, or not. Link to article 4 Truths I Learned About Myself and Intimate Relationships  Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash 2. Vulnerability is essential Vulnerability increases mutual trust. In any committed, intimate relationship vulnerability is important. Being able to put down our day-to-day persona and just be who we are — flaws and all, is incredibly intimate. 3. Work on yourself Figure out your issues. What triggers you? Notice your insecurities. This will help define who you are. What gives you pleasure? How would you prefer to spend a weekend? What are your dreams? How much alone time do you need or conversely how much time do you need to spend with friends and your partner? Link to article Self-Love is Loving All Sides of You  Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels For some of us, self-love doesn’t come naturally. We might not know what self-love looks like or how it feels. We might think self-love is a waste of time. We struggle to understand it because our role models were few or perhaps not at all. What I do know, learning to take care of ourselves is an act of self-love. To love ourselves is to love all sides. It also starts with listening to our needs. What is that inner voice feeling? How do we think? When do we need to say, no?! How much is too much? The art of self-love begins when we can share more freely and worry less about what others think. We trust the courage rising from within. This is our biggest friend. Link to article The Beauty of Aging and How it Teaches Us  Photo by BBH Singapore on Unsplash One of the best things we can do is to honor where we are at. There’s no need to power through when our soul is telling us to go slower. Aging is the beginning to honor ourselves. Link to article What Really Matters  Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash What matters is how we need to belong; that we are seen for who we are, not only for the pleasant sides but our grumpiness, worriedness, and anxiousness too, our self-consciousness. All our sides deserve to be accepted by at least one or two. What matters is how we treat each other; how we show consistency, love, caring, kindness, and respect. How we also set limits and create boundaries. When I say I’m tired, and I can’t give anymore, that really means I’m tired and can’t give anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that. Link to article Being Seen Has the Voice and Color of Raw Honey  Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash When I feel seen, believed, and understood, there’s a softness that comes over me. I relax and feel less awkward. Being seen isn’t cursory or fabricated. There is depth. You will notice their eyes, not only looking at you but with you. There’s a tender concern, joy, celebration, worry. I see you has the voice and color of raw honey. Vulnerability is the dressing of my soul. To understand the elements in I see you are like a shawl of empathy coupled with value for you, simply being you. And that grace and awareness are where the seeds of our intelligence, our genius, and our life’s path fully gain access to growing. Link to article |
AboutCarolyn Riker is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in private practice. She is also the author of three books. Her most recent book is "My Dear, Love Hasn't Forgotten You." Archives
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