 Photo by Arnel Hasanovic on Unsplash It’s been awhile since I’ve updated my website blog. So, I decided to curate 8 articles that I’ve recently written for Medium. The articles listed below are related to well-being, dreaming, emotional intimacy, relationships, and self-awareness. Each article has a short quote and then a link if you wish to read the rest. ~ With respect & love, Carolyn Over 18 Ways to Take Care of Your Soul and Support Others  Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash Researchers have found that being in isolation, while it keeps us safer from COVID-19, can lead to loneliness. Not surprisingly, loneliness has a number of risk factors such as: insomnia, depression, increased inflammation, and stress. Last year I made a list of things I wanted to do to help self-nurture during winter. But this year, I needed to extend my list of ideas because things feel out of my control and yet, I know it is helpful to reframe what is in my control. Link to article 7 Self-Loving Lessons I’ve Learned Since Being Single Photo by Rodolfo S Carvalho on Unsplash #3. Letting go of “Two shall become one” “Two shall become one” is misleading. A marriage is a partnership. I realized I don’t want to become one. I want to keep who I am as well as to grow together. For me, an intimate relationship needs to be nurturing, kind, soft, and thoughtful. And above all respectful. Of course, there will be disagreements and it won’t be easy, but I want to be with someone willing to work through the bumps and to be upfront with our respective needs. This is essential to make it work. Back then it never occurred to me that I could be with someone who will dream with me about us and each other. Now I know I want a partner who will share our ups and downs and truly express what is happening in their world, listen to mine, as well as us as a team. Link to article Your Nightdreams Are a Special Relationship Waiting to Meet You Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash When we look at our dreams, we might find suggestions to try something new. We also might find we need to strengthen our boundaries or ask for help. In addition, dreams can be influenced by our daily activities, movies we’ve watched, current and past relationships, longings, emotions suppressed, or not. Link to article 4 Truths I Learned About Myself and Intimate Relationships  Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash 2. Vulnerability is essential Vulnerability increases mutual trust. In any committed, intimate relationship vulnerability is important. Being able to put down our day-to-day persona and just be who we are — flaws and all, is incredibly intimate. 3. Work on yourself Figure out your issues. What triggers you? Notice your insecurities. This will help define who you are. What gives you pleasure? How would you prefer to spend a weekend? What are your dreams? How much alone time do you need or conversely how much time do you need to spend with friends and your partner? Link to article Self-Love is Loving All Sides of You  Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels For some of us, self-love doesn’t come naturally. We might not know what self-love looks like or how it feels. We might think self-love is a waste of time. We struggle to understand it because our role models were few or perhaps not at all. What I do know, learning to take care of ourselves is an act of self-love. To love ourselves is to love all sides. It also starts with listening to our needs. What is that inner voice feeling? How do we think? When do we need to say, no?! How much is too much? The art of self-love begins when we can share more freely and worry less about what others think. We trust the courage rising from within. This is our biggest friend. Link to article The Beauty of Aging and How it Teaches Us  Photo by BBH Singapore on Unsplash One of the best things we can do is to honor where we are at. There’s no need to power through when our soul is telling us to go slower. Aging is the beginning to honor ourselves. Link to article What Really Matters  Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash What matters is how we need to belong; that we are seen for who we are, not only for the pleasant sides but our grumpiness, worriedness, and anxiousness too, our self-consciousness. All our sides deserve to be accepted by at least one or two. What matters is how we treat each other; how we show consistency, love, caring, kindness, and respect. How we also set limits and create boundaries. When I say I’m tired, and I can’t give anymore, that really means I’m tired and can’t give anymore. There’s nothing wrong with that. Link to article Being Seen Has the Voice and Color of Raw Honey  Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash When I feel seen, believed, and understood, there’s a softness that comes over me. I relax and feel less awkward. Being seen isn’t cursory or fabricated. There is depth. You will notice their eyes, not only looking at you but with you. There’s a tender concern, joy, celebration, worry. I see you has the voice and color of raw honey. Vulnerability is the dressing of my soul. To understand the elements in I see you are like a shawl of empathy coupled with value for you, simply being you. And that grace and awareness are where the seeds of our intelligence, our genius, and our life’s path fully gain access to growing. Link to article
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 Photo by Şahin Sezer Dinçer on Unsplash “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” ~ Bette Midler Yesterday was an unusually clear, bright sunny day here in the Pacific Northwest. The temps reached almost 50F. After an incredibly long, rainy, windy, and exhausting week, I promised myself to do less, putter more and to rest this weekend. This translated into raking leaves, then stringing some early holiday lights on the front bushes. What I didn’t expect was a few neighbors to come over and chat from an exceptionally safe distance. It was delightful to laugh, share and listen to each other as we described our personal at-home-craziness and how we were coping. We joked about how many people were decorating early for the upcoming holidays. I added, “this is the first year I’ve ever put lights up so soon and yet I really needed to get outside and do something special.” Neighbor A: “Everything is different but one thing I’ve been doing is treating myself to a weekly latte.” She shared as if confessing. “Sometimes the drive thru takes forever, but I need to get out of the house!” Neighbor B: “I’ve finally had time to catch-up on movies and read more books, but I also love working from home. It’s easier than dealing with traffic.” We kept volleying our comments back and forth, nodding and understanding each other.  Photo by Marius Muresan on Unsplash There’s a side of me that loves to be creative. Let’s call her Ms. Creative. She’s passionate about writing, poetry, and music. A passion that dips, slips, and feels into the smallest canary-lined tunnels seeking creative air to breathe.
On the other hand, there’s a side of me that’s extremely practical. Let’s call her the obvious. Ms. Practical. She has a clipboard (old school) with a schedule and lists. There’s a list for work, home, groceries and even a writing list of ideas that she somehow starts, then stops, and pushes those ideas aside. When Ms. Creative and Ms. Practical meet up, it’s not always pretty. Ms. Creative is flowy. However, Ms. Practical must have order. The only flow, for Ms. Practical, is in her Excel charts. “Pies are not for eating but for graphing!” Ms. Practical is also demanding. “Ms. Creativity, what is your end point?”  Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash Last weekend I was going through a particularly rough patch about love and relationships. I was asking myself, when will I be with someone special and have a deep, intimate relationship? That’s when I noticed a small book tucked on a shelf titled “How to Love” by the Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. The first passage I read was off the charts spine tingly. "Everyone of us is seeking emotional intimacy. We want to have real communication, mutual understanding, and communion. We want to be in harmony with someone." Don’t you just love when the universe gives a supportive message?
It’s like a little high five from the universe. Yo! I’ve got your back. Here, read this. It’ll help. The synchronicity was bittersweet.  Photo by Derek Story on Unsplash How do we regroup psychologically and emotionally during political times where the chaos feels endless? For example, after watching the first US presidential debate, I was emotionally triggered and exhausted.
Our daily news is full, real, and intense. Here are some strategies to help you regroup. Tryout a few and adjust these suggestions to fit your needs. Ultimately, taking care of yourself is extremely important. “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” ― Audre Lorde #1. Acknowledge you have been triggered. Don’t let anyone tell you what you are feeling is wrong, silly, childish and to ‘get over it.’ Quick fixes and denial of your emotions are shaming. |
AboutCarolyn Riker is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) in private practice. She is also an author of three books. Her most recent book is "My Dear, Love Hasn't Forgotten You." Archives
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